Sunday, April 19, 2009

"Don't Blame It On Rio": Catering To And Pleasing Black Men


I happened upon a blog owned by an individual who goes by the name "Case" and found this interesting article concerning the book "Don't Blame It On Rio". The book, written by Professor Jewel Woods, along with Pulitzer Prizewinning journalist Karen Hunter, examines the growing trend of professional black men participating in the Brazilian sex tourism industry and provides provocative insight on how black professional men view their relationships with black women and the women in Brazil.

Case gives an interesting opinion on this growing trend and how it relates to black male/black female relationships in America:

"Black men seek something in women not of their race because of the images they see around them which doesn’t include beautiful African American women. Professional African American women don’t cater to black men as women of color of other countries are accustomed to doing. It is second nature for them to wait on men and please them in any way they want to be pleased. African American women shun at the thought of pleasing their men in any way they want to be pleased. They expect to be pleased, yet when it comes to pleasing their men, they shudder at the thought. I’m not just referring to pleasing black men in the bedroom. I’m referring to pleasing men outside of the bedroom. It’s the little things that count, such as rubbing your man’s back, running his bath water, cooking him a homecooked meal and feeding his ego by telling him how great he is and how much he is appreciated. It’s the little things that mean so much. If black women were to let down their guards and start treating their men the way they want and expect to be treated, their men wouldn’t be traveling to places like Rio seeking false love. They would enjoy real love with women they identify with and belong with."
Now of course, there will be accusations of generalizations, but this really caught my eye because in my opinion, it makes a very important point. Priority with pleasing men has become lower today than ever before among all groups of women. As is the case with so many negatives in our society, this lower priority appears to be more prevalent in the black community. This is my perception true enough, but I will say with confidence that this is a perception shared by many black men.

I highlighted the part that says "they like to be pleased" because there is great emphasis today on pleasing women and men doing those "little things" for their women, but such emphasis is not reciprocated. This differs from past decades whereas girls were socialized early to become wives and taught what was necessary to keep their husbands happy. They were taught to be nurturers not only of their kids, but of their husbands as we see from the home economic textbooks of the past.

Men today don't expect such extreme service from their wives and girlfriends today, yet the extremes seem to have gone in the complete opposite direction. Even from a sexual standpoint, most literature is geared toward pleasing women. Foreplay is almost always that which a man performs upon a woman despite the fact that men have similar erogenous zones. Yet, black men are afraid to express what is lacking in their sex lives as is so well stated in this article:
"Let's face it: Black men have a huge reputation for cheating. At this point, cheating is expected of married Black men. The irony about it all is that Black women tend to be so sassy and defensive that married Black men or Black men in serious relationships are generally terrified to complain about the lack of overall satisfaction that they receive at home. We talk amongst over selves about it in the barbershops and poolrooms. We talk about it on the phone to our homeboys. We cheat. We go to strip clubs. We try everything except telling our wives the truth. This leaves our women in the dark."
"The saddest thing about the game is when I encourage brothers to discuss the issue with their wives. The result is always the same - the defensive sister, argues that the brother needs to be discipline himself. The woman tells the brother that he needs to stop being so selfish."
What so many women fail to understand is that one of the main things a man considers when determining whether he wants to marry a particular woman or not is whether he will be happy in a marriage with that woman. A man analyzes whether he would be happier married or single. On the other hand, women tend to feel that men are obligated to marry them. "I'm an educated professional black woman and I have the right to be married." There is little emphasis on WINNING A MAN'S HEART while there great emphasis on DEMANDING a ring. Just look at how so many sistas really get into Beyonce's "Single Ladies".

Women, and particularly black women, seem to view marriage as a means to fill a void and any available man that interests or impresses them is welcome to fill that void. These women judge men's decisions on marriage based on this perspective. "He's with me and clearly interested in me, yet he won't marry me". They then accuse him of being immature and afraid of commitment, yet the truth is that despite the men being sexually attracted to them and even finding their general company appealing, these men have not concluded that these women will make them happy in marriage because, quite frankly, these women have failed to put put emphasis on WINNING A MAN'S HEART.

19 comments:

Untouched Jewel said...

Ok, I have a question about this one: WHAT DO WOMEN HAVE TO DO TO "WIN A MAN'S HEART"? I have been in relationships with guys that I have done everything in my power to please them and let them be a man, yet I don't get the reciprocity in return. Sure I'm a bit fiesty when it comes to certain things, but none the less I'm a good woman who could make someone happy. Black men always talk about Black women are this and that, but do they stop to find the time, effort and energy to really see a woman for her value outside of 'getting his'? My answer to that question: NO.
I'm not one on that whole feminist kick (that Beyonce' screams about), but how can I give of myself to a man and he's not doing his part? See, that's where the scales of fairness and sincerity are unbalanced.
Truth be told, I think SOME Black men are too scared to deal with a strong woman whom will give him the world and yet put her foot down, too. These same men have had mothers, sisters and cousins whom were strong women, but did what it took to love and care for a man even when he was full of himself.
I honestly feel that Black men need to take the time and patience to really get to know a Black woman, and then make his next calculated move as to whether or not he wants to make a future with her or not. Like the saying goes: "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE".

Rocky said...

Ok, I have a question about this one: WHAT DO WOMEN HAVE TO DO TO "WIN A MAN'S HEART"? I have been in relationships with guys that I have done everything in my power to please them and let them be a man, yet I don't get the reciprocity in return. Sure I'm a bit fiesty when it comes to certain things, but none the less I'm a good woman who could make someone happy.Thanks for your comment Jewel. Of course I can't speak for your individual circumstances because I'm not there, but often times when I hear black women who express that they do everything in their power to please a man, what they mean is that they do everything in their power that they feel SHOULD please him. Rarely is it the case that they have actually inquired as to what he likes and what makes him happy and when they do, seldom do they respond positively to what he says.

Men would love for their women to ask them what they like. Many women don't like to do this. They feel that they know what a man likes and they feel that a man should be able to read a woman's mind and know what she likes. On the other hand, men want to tell women what they like and wish that women would tell them what they like.

Women tend to be process oriented while men are result oriented. In an endeavor to make a man happy, the process of achieving his happiness must be a process acceptable to her often narrow criteria. The problem is that not all processes come to the same result.

And I have to note your reference to yourself as "feisty" because feistiness that is often directed at your man can be a real problem for him.

Also, when you say that you are a good woman who could make someone happy, this from my view gives indication that you are already locked into you view of being good and able to please, thus leaving little room for improvement. I am more impressed when a woman declares it her endeavor to make someone happy or to be a good woman or wife because that person feels that she is a work in progress, constantly improving.


Black men always talk about Black women are this and that, but do they stop to find the time, effort and energy to really see a woman for her value outside of 'getting his'? My answer to that question: NO.Well, you may be correct as it relates to relationships. In other words, there are black women out there that I am very impressed with due to their positions, accolades, performances, efforts, endeavors, etc., yet I would never have pursued them for relationships because I never saw them as a value to me intimately. People go into relationships for selfish reasons and I have never seen anyone go into a relationship because they felt that the person they are getting with deserved a boyfriend or girlfriend. They got with that person because they like them intimately. Liking a person intimately motivates one to do for that person but our initial desire for that person is for selfish reasons.

Also, this is a prime example of women assigning their points of view to men. Women tend to be attracted to men who impress them. Men, on the other hand, are less likely to be attracted to women based on impressiveness. Men base their likings on looks and how they interact impersonally with particular women.


Truth be told, I think SOME Black men are too scared to deal with a strong woman whom will give him the world and yet put her foot down, too.First off, I don't know too many men looking for a woman to "give them the world". That seems to be another example of women assigning their points of view to men. Women want a man to give them the world (which implies providing for him materially). Men want to be the ones giving the world to the the women who make them feel good.

And the whole "strong woman" thing is becoming quite cliche. Why can't I equally say that 'your complaints are a result of you not being able to deal with a strong man who can give a woman the world without kissing her backside'?

And tell me, what grown man wants a woman to put her foot down on him? That ended when we left our mothers' houses and the notion of a man's woman putting her foot down on him in most cases is contrary to letting him be a man and goes against the balanced "scales of fairness and sincerity" because a man referencing putting his foot down on his woman would incite holy hell.


These same men have had mothers, sisters and cousins whom were strong women, but did what it took to love and care for a man even when he was full of himself.I don't understand what you are saying here. Are you talking about the man himself being the recipient of this love and care from his own mother, sisters and cousins. Because love from blood family is something totally different and how his female relatives treat their men has nothing to do with him save for his observations and many men are turned off from marriage and committed relationships due to the hell they observe other married men go through.


I honestly feel that Black men need to take the time and patience to really get to know a Black woman, and then make his next calculated move as to whether or not he wants to make a future with her or not. Like the saying goes: "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE".Seems to me that women are the ones who complain most about prolonged relationships that are not allowed by black men to take the next step while black women are quick to jump into relationships with men who have not been "vetted".

Mr Laurelton Queens said...

I like this article.

I read it before concerning RIO. My personal opinion on hispanic women. They can be a headache like black women. Brazilian, Dominican, Puerto Rican. From my observation I find them more vain than some black women are.

South American women value their looks so much because it is all about survival. They are to please men and to be "attractive". Their self esteem is viewed through the prism of their looks.

I like Latin women not knocking them. They are materialistic and definitely use their sexuality to get ahead.

The difference between them and black women is black women tend be more loyal to black men.

Untouched Jewel mentioned reciprocity.

I got an argument with my fiancee over the weekend. She nags and complains to much. Her excuse is that she was "spoiled" as a child. That is all fine and good but stop nagging me.

She use to be real arrogant about it. So she has white girlfriends so I say to her I will let Cathy come to the house while your asleep while you watch tv.

She hit the roof. She has white female friends. They flirt with me all the time.

We get into it because she feels the way I retaliate when she nags goes to far.

I am like stop fucking nagging me man.

Some black women don't understand that concept.

They think they have to be loud and annoying to be heard.

We are not scared to deal with a strong woman. There is a difference between being strong and demanding.

A man should want to do things for you. He should want to make the relationship work.

I think professional black women want black men to be on in a schedule like their career.

A relationship is not like a job you go too. It is not a college class you can learn for credit.

You have to figure out what makes that man tick. If you know he likes attractive freaky women. Than you become that. If he is an intellectual then you try to have intellectual conversations.

Sex is important don't get me wrong. Long term you have to have loyalty, respect, and trust. Main thing is respect and trust.

If you keep threatening to leave or your schedule to busy. You might as well write off your relationship.

Ana said...

Why are you blaming black American women for black men going around the world promoting prostitution?


Do you really believe that if poor and socially discriminated Brazilian women had opportunities and could do any better some of them would engage in prostitution?

I have a joke to give you regarding a black man from the States who travels constantly to Latin America whenever he can looking for women.

You see, this black man works with a Jamaican friend of mine and he likes to boast about how the women over there(Latin America) are so much more beautiful than the black women in the States.

Well, my friend said one day this man was speaking loudly on his cell phone(the speaker phone was turn on) right on the job with his Dominican lover who was asking him to send her more money.

The black man screamed out something of the sort that he had already sent her a lot of money.
My friend said, they all overheard the Dominican woman becoming indignant to the extent where she told him that she did not like him and was only with him for his money.She also called him a monkey.

My friend said the fool ended the conversation abruptly with a look of shame on his face.

When my friend told me the joke, we just laughed, but I knew pretty well that she was not lying.

I know for a fact that Brazilians, Dominicans and most of the women from the region where I am from don't like men like you.

Let me give you a cultural lesson:

In a world, where" hombría, ser macho o hombre"(manhood, being manly) is a serious matter, and the way some of you love to wag your tongues about women, this behavior is not culturally acceptable at all.

Men in Latin America are told by their fathers:" El hombre para hablar de lo que paso con una mujer, no tiene memoria".
This roughly means," Men do not talk bad about women and they should have no memory of such thing.



One last thing,
Something is definitely wrong with men who travel just to have sex with foreign women. And this has nothing to do with the women at home or abroad.

Ana

Rocky said...

So Anna. Which is worst? "Talking bad about women" or socially discriminating against them? You mention both. Maybe it is easy not to criticize women who are second class citizens right? And isn't holding women down to second class one of a key part of "hombría, ser macho o hombre"?

And even though you say that women from around your way don't like 'men like me', it sure doesn't seem to stop us from getting with them when they come here.

Also note that the post says "their men wouldn’t be traveling to places like Rio seeking false love". They would enjoy real love with women they identify with and belong with.It's no secret that these women are in it for the money. And the book's author explains white men go there and it is clearly more than sex:

At a minimum, black men make trips overseas for physical reasons that include sex. However, many have experienced a level of physical and sexual intimacy, a sort of sexual healing, that they see as lacking in many of their current relationships with black women. They also make these trips for cultural reasons. They describe a deep embrace and recognition to a people, a time and a land that they do not get here in the United States and do not see in black women. Most importantly, these men increasingly travel overseas because of a profound sense of identity that they find and create on these trips. So what they ultimately end up paying for is access to an elite male experience, and intercourse with a set of beliefs and ideas about black manhood that they think are denied to them by black women in America. The problem is that during these journeys, sometimes consciously but also unconsciously, black men are led further away from black women--not just physically, but also emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.

Ana said...

Can't you see that prostitution is wrong?Young girls and women are being exploited.
I don't give ten coconuts if white men go there for sex. What is your problem, competing with white men?
Prostitution is a scourge in any society, especially one where the people are conservative and there are serious social ills. Obviously you did not read my post correctly well.
Who told you that women are any more second class citizens in Latin America than else where? You seemed to have a disdain towards women.
I will say once again, do not blame black american women for black men going to Rio to promote prostitution.
Somethinhg is dreadfully wrong with any man who travels to a foreign counrtrry for sex. It is the man's problem.

I will not post here again.

Adiós
Ana

Rocky said...

Ana, no one here is saying that prostitution or golddigging is right nor made any judgement about the men who participate. That's not the point of article and you are making a strawman argument. We are talking about the basis for the motivation, not the act itself. And I have never been to Brazil nor been with a prostitute.

And here is some info on your other point:

http://www.counterpunch.org/carlsen03122005.html

http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm?aid=738

Andrew said...

Let me jump in here.

What makes you think black men go to RIO to get a wife!!!

You knucklehead. I will give a short story because Latin and Black women seem to suck their own nipples to much.

50 cents grew up in my neighborhood. He gained some success from his first album and would come back and tell us stories about them girls out there in Brazil and Dominican Republic. Those women out there do not care. They are out for money period. Even the ones that don't ask for money. They setting you up to "get money".

I have been to DR and those girls are loose. Why would I want a wife down there? Secondly, I know how they personally feel about "us", But you know what they disdain white men MORE.

I had a girl in DR when I went down there. All I paid for was for dinner that's it. She decided to stay in my room on her own accord. When she figured out I was a cheap "Jamaican". In her broken spanish, I said "chica" do you want to do.

She stayed ANYWAY. She was hot too. If you think we are going to respect a hoodrat or prostitute you are drinking something.

Fundamentally, that is what is wrong with black women and Spanish women. They think their pussy is so good they can "gain the world" with it.

When they get "gamed" back. It's "Oh fuck you niggas" Blah Blah.

Prostitution is wrong. The problem with women who judge other women in prostitution, those women who engage in it in "third world places such as Domincan Republic. Really have no clue of their struggle to put food on the table.

It is real easy to sit back and say that girl is dirty prostitute.

I guarantee you, any woman that loses everything she has would turn to prostitution to survive.
I saw a news program saying that women are JOINING Nevada Brothels in the RECESSION. That shows you the mindset of some of these women. For the record, it was white women. Read about it and google it.

Some women practice indirect prostitution. "Pretend" that they are with you "only" and they got multiple men.

They have multiple baby fathers indiscriminately.

Let's not talk about that. The reason women in society knock prostitution because less men would be inclined to conform to society'S image of fatherhood.

Marry your wife and if shit go wrong. Give her your home, alimony for god knows how long. Child support so she can "get dolled up" for a next man to be with her. Reward her for having children with different men.

Yea I can see why they fear prostitution being acceptable.

You will never do me like that. You understand(pointing to you). I got everything in my name right down to the house.

I will "Suge Knight" a Spanish or black girl.

Black men can go on "pleasure" trips. We don't love those hos out there. A sexy body and looks will only get you so far. After that what substance do you have.

That gets boring.

Seattle Slim said...

This is very interesting! I am new to this blog, and was referred by Menelik so I'm excited to read more of your perspective.

I see plenty of things I agree with. I don't disagree with anything, but having fallen into that trap before "I know but what can you do for me) trap, I can say why I think some women react that way.

I think a lot of times we feel like we are sacrificing and doing so much, that we are taken for granted. What I found my mistake was, in my "martyrdom", I completely disregarded or minimized my boyfriend's sacrifices. I will admit and anyone can see that I'm doing a lot in the relationship. My schedule is more rigorous, but I should not minimize his role either. So what it takes is communication and feedback and respect. No need to carry on, just hash things out and go from there. Interesting blog! I will be checking out more posts!

Rocky said...

Welcome Seattle Slim. I appreciate your comment and hope to read more from you. I think that everyone has a tendency to feel that their burden is the heaviest of all, yet when one does as you did and really looks at the other side, one will notice that the grass over there is really no greener. It's refreshing to see a young attractive lady such as yourself being so open minded.

Ebony Intuition said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ebony Intuition said...

@ Rocky I don't understand why folks are getting mad at you in regards to Black American men going to South America for sex etc, did they not realize that you are talking about a book that was published?

Rocky said...

Ebony Intuition said...

@ Rocky I don't understand why folks are getting mad at you in regards to Black American men going to South America for sex etc, did they not realize that you are talking about a book that was published?
.

That's a good question Ebony.

Anonymous said...

The "strong woman" syndrome implies that the woman is an overbearing, dictatorial, dominating ogre. Who wants that?!

If you don't like a relationship, you should leave. You can't change people. And everyone knows that women want to change everything!

CPT Callamity said...

Rather late with my response but...

What is there to say about black women who have been engaged in going to places like Jamaica on an "all girls trip" for the past couple of decades?

I went to Jamaica back in June and I can tell you, there were thirsty assed women distraught at the lack of men available for them to play with while down there. So if they weren't impressed with the islanders, they floated around the resort looking for younger men or white men. Now mind you, most of them weren't anything to look at, but they felt as though they could "get their groove back" on foreign soil because they damn sure weren't getting it in the states.

Recently I've heard black women cackling about going to Italy so that they can "get their black blown out." Seems that they enjoy assertive italian or greek guys that pander to them publicly. So...you have to go overseas for someone to come up to you and say "you're beautiful?" Well, don't get upset if some fellas prefer to go elsewhere to find someone who will sex them properly.

Black women are not absolved of this, nor are most aging American women. I'm certain you can read the same articles that I have of "cougars" or older European women past their prime seeking out Caribbean men for sexual adventures. That book (RIO) did tell you all what you didn't know already and what you yourselves are not absolved from.

Anonymous said...

The women of color in those other countries put so much effort into pleasing their men because without those men they couldn't survive. Those women can't feed, clothe or house themselves without a man. If a black man was to over to Brazil broke then those women wouldn't waste a minute on him, much less bother with a back rub.

Black men seem to want the same level respect and catering to that men of other countries get but they can't handle the same level of responsibility. Most black men can't even support their families on their own.

Mr Laurelton Queens said...

I disagree with anonymous.

These women in these countries would be catering to men regardless. If a black man goes to RIO "broke" he would still be able to pull women. Nigerian men often go to these latin countries "broke" and pull numerous women. What is your explanation for that?

Don't let me get started on "London". Again black men continue to get women. I think some people would like " to see black men" fail because of past sexual experiences with black men.

As for black men being unable to support their families. That does not represent all black men. I think someone has been watching to many feed the children "specials".

Most black men support their families. You won't see any media specials about it. Katie Couric is not going to interview a black man taking care of his family.

The ratings went down when Soledud did Black in America part 2.

Apparently people like to see the accident instead of the solution.

Anonymous said...

Queen - A man with no money would not be able to to pull a decent woman there. A man who is broke or lower class by American standards has better financial resources than a poor woman there, so obviously "broke" is relative. Those women don't have many options and so they have no choice but to "cater" to men. You yourself said earlier that "South American women value their looks so much because it is all about survival." When you can't survive without the goodwill of a man then you are in effect FORCED to behave in a way that pleases them, despite how you may really feel.

Most of the men who go down there are exploiting those women's desperation for their own pleasure. The women are basically forced to whore themselves. It's a sad situation.

Mr Laurelton Queens said...

Dear Anonymous

It is all subjective on who is exploiting who. If a woman has nothing, and a foreign man visits her country, and happens to have money, then who is exploiting who here?

Life is not fair. Most of the world lives on less than a dollar a day from my understanding. It is shame that some women do not have the options "American women" have. Does that mean they should be elevated to the same level of an "American woman".

The article is implying why should American men go to "Rio" when they can have a woman right here in the United states.

The question is why do American women feel so threatened by these "third world women"? Obviously, you want to protect your own interests instead of helping these women.

You give more thought to buying a hand bag or "clothes" than these suffering women.

So let's be clear on the real motive for opposition of American men seeing "foreign women".