Monday, October 26, 2009

Divorce and Black Men's Mothers.

With all of the discussion on divorce, I found the following article quite interesting:

Why Marriages Between Black Men and White Women Fail
March 09, 2007 by
Christy Harrell

You, Me and Big Mama?

If you are a white woman seeking a black man, make sure his mama is out of the picture first! Our culture does not prepare us for what lies ahead. I have fourteen years of experience to back up what I am about to share with you.

A white woman has no chance of ever playing an equal role to that of a black man's mama. This is a fact! Mama has an insurance policy built into her boy. He is 100% insured by Mama's Boy Indemnity Co.

You see, the black woman, she is real smart! She wants her boy around for life. She has invested eighteen years or more pampering this boy, building up his ego, and brain washing him to be at her beck and call. She will not have another woman getting in the way of this relationship. After all, at some point in her life, she will be all alone. When this time comes she has insured that her son will come to her rescue.

But beware ladies! That black man is real smart too, to a degree. He'll make you feel like you're the only woman in his life. He'll buy you flowers, treat you with diamonds. He can be so romantic, and the world knows his business in bed is, well you know. He'll keep you tantalized just long enough to have you wedded to him; all while keeping mama at bay. You see at this point he thinks he can have the crab cake and eat it too!

But ladies, let me assure you, the only good black man is the black man whose mama is non-existent, and you better have a private investigator verify this fact. There is no turning back once you have married this man. If his mama is in his life, she will move in on yours!

Her first visit will be a short visit. You won't notice anything at this point. Something stated negatively you'll just brush off as a cultural difference. Duh! The following year she visits for two weeks, the year after that, three, and before you know it, she will be living with you two months out of the year, every year.

When you finally get fed up with her coming into your home and running it, you will ask your hubby to say something. And when he refuses, you'll resort to back-up. After a few hours of marriage counseling and the counselor in your corner, your hubby will finally agree to have this discussion with his mama.

It isn't until several years later, after wading through excuse after excuse, you face the fact that your hubby never intended to confront his mother at all. You have finally come to the realization that your husband is, afterall, Mama's boy! He ain't gonna ask his Mama to do anything in your favor. You are out of your mind if you think he'll put anyone before his Mama!

Eventually you will become fed up of playing second fiddle to your mother-in-law and in the end Mama will win. She will always be first in her son's life. Unfortunately, your hubby will lose. You will walk away, and hubby will scratch his head.

The saddest point to this comical story is that your poor hubby, excuse me, ex-hubby, won't ever understand what happened. He was brainwashed to put his mama on a pedestal early in life, so spoiled by his mama into believing that he is perfect, that naturally he will assume there is something wrong with you for leaving him.

On the bright side, you will be the wiser and much happier for it. After all, you won't be catering to mama anymore!

After reading this, I thought of Jonnetta Patton, Gloria James and Donda West. Historically, black men have very close relationships with their mothers and very often, such mothers can be hell on their son's girlfriends and wives. Jennetta Patton (Usher's mother) is a good example.

Often times, black women are compared to Italian women in that both are very vocal and aggressive and in Italy, the divorce rate is soaring. What is considered the main reason? Mothers-in-law.

Mothers-in-Law Cause of Italy’s Soaring Divorce Rate

February 3, 2007

Italy has been experiencing an unprecedented rise in marriage break-ups. The main cause bearing a high proportion of the blame? Mamma’s boys and interfering mothers-in-law.

A new poll by research institute Eures reveals that divorce happens every four minutes(!) in the country once regarded as a bastion of marriage. In 2002, Italy recorded 50,828 divorces - a 45 percent increase from 2000. While some reasons for divorce seem to be marrying too young, squabbling over money and meeting new partners, a shocking three out of 10 marriages fail because of the unusually close attachment of Italian men to their mothers.

A real life “Everybody Loves Raymond”, mothers-in-law who live in the same house or nearby, are putting strains on couple’s relationship by meddling in their affairs, finding fault with her daughter-in-law and of course, treating her grown-up son as a child.

Psychologist Dr. Annamaria Cassanese says she sees many disillusioned daughters-in-law at her practice in Milan. “In Italy there still exists a sort of mother love that is excessive,” said Cassanes. “It is a very Latin thing, deeply embedded in our social structure. For example, you will see mothers crying at the weddings of their sons, but they are not crying for joy, they are crying because they feel devastated. Their son has chosen another woman and it arouses very complex feelings, including jealousy.”

Cassanese points out two different types of extreme Italian mothers-in-law. One refuses to give in to ageing and sees her daughter-in-law as a rival; the other has dedicated her life to her family and expects payback, well, for life. The latter type of mother-in-law starts creeping in by offering to do chores such as cooking, ironing and babysitting. “This can often be the beginning of an invasion, in which the mother-in-law slowly takes over and undermines the woman in her own home,” she says. “What starts out being portrayed as something that is helpful degenerates into outright intrusion such as going into drawers and pulling out shirts that are not ironed ‘her way’ or monopolizing the kitchen. Wives feel like strangers in their own homes because the mother-in-law is always there.”

The fact that many Italian parents help out their children financially by buying them apartments or cars doesn’t help either, adds Dr. Cassanese. The so-called generosity causes the mother-in-law to expect something in return. Cassanese claims that many couples still obey invitations to eat with their parents three or four times a week.

According to Dr. Cassanese, the concept of mammoni - sons who cling to apron strings - is well known in Italy and it is not uncommon for men in their 30’s and 40’s to live with their parents. The reasons are partly economic but also come about because boys are indulged well into adulthood causing Italian men who remain close to their mothers to become emotionally immature. “The husband is used to being adored and when he doesn’t get that unconditional love from his wife, he goes running back to his mother.”

This phenomenon is being seen in other parts of the world.

KUALA LUMPUR: Every married person knows it, but a local study has confirmed it – mothers-in-law are the chief cause of divorces, especially in the Indian community.
Data in the Malaysia Community and Family Study 2004 by the National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) revealed that “meddlesome in-laws” is the number one reason why Indian couples get divorced.

It is also among the top three factors for divorce among the Malays and Chinese. The other two factors are incompatibility (42.3%) and infidelity (12%).
“Interference by in-laws is the main reason for Indians to divorce. It is the top-ranked reason at 30%,” said LPPKN director-general Datuk Aminah Abdul Rahman when presenting a paper on Malaysia’s family profile and its effects at Institut Kefahaman Islam Malaysia yesterday.

Infidelity is the marriage breaker among the Malays and Indians but it is tolerated among the Chinese.

“Among Malays, the second most common reason is infidelity and refusal to put up with polygamy,” she said.

“Among the Indians, infidelity is the second highest ranked reason for divorce at 25%,” she said.

However, the Chinese considered infidelity as the least crucial reason for a divorce.
Cheating was at the bottom along with health and gambling addiction at 4.2%.
Surprisingly, abuse is not a reason for divorce among the Malays and Chinese, but is a reason among Indians at 5%.

“Another overall reason which ranked high among the three races at 11.5% is ‘not being responsible’,” she said.

Although it is common perception that the family institution is quite fragile and divorces are rampant, data shows otherwise - only 0.7% of the population was divorced in 2000.

The data shows that divorce is more likely to happen to those under 25 and above 40.
Meanwhile, Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil said that more Malaysian women were choosing to marry later in life and it could cause a reduction in fertility rate and an ageing society.
“The National Family Policy and its action plan will address this issue of late marriages,” she said.

The policy would be presented to the Cabinet soon.

Even back in the 40s, mothers-in-law seemed to be a possibly important factor in divorces.

So that brings to question whether black men's mothers contribute significantly to the high divorce rate in marriages involving black men. Black women are often quite aggressive in their desire to run the show and can be immensely possessive. Few women can give a daughter-in-law hell like a black woman. Let that daughter-in-law be white and the animosity increases considerably. The first article's writer sees her ex-husbands mother as the main reason for their divorce and views his mother's interference as something far less common or intense with white mothers. Food for thought.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Plight of Missing Black Men and Boys

Delshawn and Rakaem Green

I understand that it is normal for most people, male or female, to have less concern about the well being of men as compared to women as well as to have less concern over the well being of boys compared to girls. Men traditionally have been viewed as the stronger sex and traditionally viewed as being in less need of aid, comfort, support, etc. As flawed as this is, it is something that I and most men accept even with today’s growing one sidedness regarding gender double standards (expecting a man to fulfill the manly role is fine but expecting a woman to fulfill a “woman’s role” is chauvinistic).

The problem is that in order to justify their victimism, the so called “black women empowerment bloggers” love to declare that society, the media, black community, etc. show less concern over the well being of black women than they do all other groups including black men. They truly express that there are those who jump to the aid and rescue of black men and boys while turning a blind eye to black women and girls in distress. Where they got this from is a mystery, but when you really dig for the truth, you find something quite the opposite from their assertions. For example:

Missing black men get even less media than black women
By: Diasia
Ellerbee, NNPA Special Correspondent

Posted: Monday, April 20, 2009
12:37 pm

"Why don't you talk about me? Don't you care where I might be?
Am I the wrong color to have my story on TV?"

"Why don't I get air time?
Is it the fact that I don't have naturally
straight hair? Is it that America
isn't interested? Is it that America just doesn't care?"

CBS, CNN, MSNBC, FOX News Why don't you talk about me?! Don't you care where I
might be?! Am I the wrong color to have my story on TV?!"

Each one above
is from the poem "Black Woman Missing" by George L. Cook III. The poem
represents the lack of national media focus on missing Black women
- but, Black males get even less.

According to Connie
Marstiller of the National Crime Information Center, there were 614,925 people
missing in 2008 under the age of 18. About 16 percent, were Black men.

During that same year there were 163,239 people missing over the age of
18, according to Marstiller. Approximately 14 percent, represent missing Black
males over the age 18.

African-American men and boys such as William Van
Croft IV, 17, Wallace Richards, 23, Dennis Palmer, 44, and Adji Desir, 6, are
currently missing and have not yet received the national media attention as
other missing people such as Laci Peterson, Elizabeth Smart, or Haleigh
Cummings; white women usually get more attention than men of all races when they
are missing. is an online blog site that is
dedicated to informing the public about missing Black children both male and
female that may or may not have been heard about in the media.

to, Adji Desir is an
African-American boy who
has been missing since January 10 from Immokalee, Fla. Desir is developmentally
disabled with the mental capacity of a two-year-old.

If you put both
these names in Yahoo's search engine, Adji Desir name will produce 478,000
results. Haleigh Cummings name will produce 4,440,000 results, which is 10
percent more.

Both children went missing around the same time and in the
same state. Although conditions of their disappearances are different, does race
or gender play a factor in the national media attention that they receive?

Clearly, yes, says Derrica Wilson, president and CEO of Black &
Missing Foundation, Inc., an online website that provides exposure and
educational training for the missing persons loved ones.

Wilson believes
that when it comes to African-American boys, people are more likely to associate
their disappearance as being a runaway. Wilson mentions that the Black
men on her website never receive national attention and are never seen on

"Therefore there is no amber alert and without an
amber alert there is no media coverage locally or nationally," said Wilson. "Now when it comes to Black men, there are more missing Black men in the
United States than missing Black women, according to the FBI missing person's
The reason I believe that Black men do not receive media
exposure is because society, media, and law enforcement like to relate their
disappearance to drugs, crime, or violence."

Missing children's
activist and founder of the online blog "," Alonzo Washing_ton agree
that African-American men and boys get the least amount of media attention among
missing people.

In terms of Black males, the only Black males
that would receive coverage would be someone of high stature, according to
Washington. "If you're grown, a man, and Black, then you can forget
about it," Washington said. "Young Black boys may get a little teaser, but never
an ongoing investigation like Caylee Anthony, Elizabeth Smart or Samantha

"The mindset of the media is that if it bleeds it
leads," said Detective Richard Adams of the Youth Investigation Division Missing
Person Unit in the District of Columbia. "Media wants something sensational,"
Adams said. "They have to have something fantastic and that's going to catch the
viewer's eye. It's all about numbers and ratings to them."

William Van
Croft IV has been missing from the District since January 31, 2009. He has
Asperger's Syndrome and went missing a year after the death of his father.

According to Jason Cherkis who writes an online blog for the Washington
City Paper, the police department waited until February 11, 2009 to issue a
press release.

In his blog, he cited a comment by Cherita Whiting that
speculated an indifference in Van Croft's case. Whiting is a activist for
education in the D.C. metropolitan area.

"Billy's mother filed a missing
person report with DC Youth Investigations on Jan 31", Whiting said. "It sat on
a desk somewhere and they just started investigating this case on 2/10. I have
sent multiple messages to the At-Large Council members and every Police officer
that I can find who is associated with
Ward 1 Precinct 107. It would make
sense that a missing person, especially a special needs teenager could get the
attention of the police and public officials to at least have the police issue a
press release that the child is missing. This has not been done. When the press
release occurs, the media responds and starts spreading the word that Billy is

Washington also believes that when it comes to
African-American children especially males, the police will say that they ran

"When it comes to the area you live in, your color, and gender,
the more unlikely the police will be in finding you and the less the media will
cover you," Washington said. "Even when Jennifer's Hudson nephew was missing,
her story took the backseat to the Caylee Anthony story. They covered it for a
minute, and now it's like it didn't happen."

According to Detective
Adams, every police department has their own way of handling a missing person's

Tim Ryan is an assistant news director for KUSA, a local NBC
station in Denver, CO.

Ryan said that in almost every case, it's about
if law enforcement decided how important the case is. He believes that the media
needs some sort of belief or standard for the stories that they report on.

"Local news people like myself are not the ones who determines what
makes local news," Ryan said. "There are certain reasons why stories get played
or not. I can't tell you if race does play a role. There are cases that we
covered of all races that hasn't received national media coverage. Things that
national news is whimsical. I think it is important to state that local
media does not make those choices."

Martin G. Reynolds is the editor of
the Oakland Tribune in California. Reynolds said that they don't necessarily
have a reporter dedicated to missing children and that it would have to come
across the radar for us to report about it.

When told about the numbers
of missing African-American males, Reynolds said:

"They get less
positive attention...There is plenty negative attention.
We were not
aware that there was such a large number particularly in African-American
children. It was something I wasn't aware of, but something I will look into."

Reporter Kathy Chaney for the Chicago Defender believes that
Black males do get far less national media coverage
which leads to
families looking for other media outlets such as the Jerry Springer, Maury
Povich, or Steve Wilkos show.

Chaney admits that when the Chicago
Defender was daily they had a problem reporting missing children because they
would be found the next day and the newspaper would have already printed the

"I think they get far less coverage," said Chaney. "I think it's
because they are boys. It's just not reported of teenage boys running away. I
don't think that anyone expects them of running away or missing. You think of
foul play immediately."

Adji Desir and William Van Croft IV are still
missing and they need their stories heard.

"There is a defect in
journalism when a certain prototype is given more media coverage," Washing_ton
said. "There is clearly a standard in television. There are so many
ramifications we have to fight for. There are some disparities when it comes to
equality in the value of our lives."

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

"But Will It Last?". About interracial marriages and divorce.

There have been comments made by several black woman IR bloggers proclaiming the notion that IR relationships between black women and white men do much better than those between black men and white women. The first piece of "evidence" that they cite for this comes from this study and this specific part:

"Compared to White/White couples, White female/Black male, and White female/Asian male marriages were more prone to divorce; meanwhile, those involving non-White females and White males and Hispanics and non-Hispanic persons had similar or lower risks of divorce."

Now somehow, the term "non-white females" in this statement ended up meaning "black females". The fact that Asian and Hispanic women are also considered to be "non-White" never entered these women's minds. The fact that there are three times as many white male/Asian female couples than white male/black female couples should indicate to any logical person than this part of study mostly give indication of the stability between white men and Asian women.

The next piece of evidence they give is a ranking of interracial marriages that mysteriously formed out of the ether. It proclaims black woman/white man marriages as the second most stable interracial marriages with black men/white women marriages not even making the list. One their numbers posted a video on Youtube promoting this. Of course, it is like pulling teeth to get them to reference this information or provide a link to it. Sarah made an attempt to reference it by claiming that this was how Cosmopolitan Magazine ranked them in a mysterious issue ten years ago. Of course, nothing more specific was given as far as the date of the issue, volume, issue number, etc. I can't find it it through a Google search. We must all just take Sarah's word that it exists and says specifically what she claims that it says. We all know that Sara is filled with loads of honesty. NOT!

But during my searches, I did find something. There is a book called Exploring Black Sexuality by Robert Staples. Some pages of this book can be found on Google Books and part of it caught my attention. This part says:

“Interracial couples have a much higher divorce rate, especially Black women/white men, than coupes of the same race.”

The book references the statement to the "United States Bureau of the Census, Interracial Couples: 1960 to the Present. Washington, D.C.:U.S.Government Printing Office, 1999".

Now I don't know what is specifically written in this U.S. Census Beureau report, but I find it hard to believe that Staples would give a false statement in one of his several books and then falsely reference the false statement. So this is a good lesson in not taking anything the Black Women Empowerment Bloggers say at face value. Do your own research.

ADDENDUM: Truth B. Told referred me to a study that, while showing black men/white women marriages to be the least stable interracial marriages, the study also shows black women/white men marriages to be the next least stable interracial marriages. Thus, one thing that seems to be clear is that black women/white men marriages are NOT the second most stable interracial marriages and are at best the second most UNSTABLE interracial marriages.