Wednesday, June 17, 2009

"What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle"


From The Root:



Would most Type A, professional women have dated Barack when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name?

America has fallen for the Obamas. The history, the high glamour, the PDAs on the White House lawn. It’s a universal picture of love. But for many successful black women, with college degrees, ambitious careers and five-year plans, that enchantment has become something of an obsession.

Those of us hoping to find suitable mates in a dating landscape that is, statistically speaking, pretty grave, are absolutely giddy about the very existence of the first family and especially about the possibility that we could find our own Barack.

We’d give up three hair appointments in a row, our designer puppies and that annual tropical vacation with our best grad-school friends to meet a man like him. Brilliant. Confident. Best smile ever. So into his wife. On the cover of April’s issue of Washingtonian magazine, he appears shirtless to illustrate the publication’s No. 2 reason to love D.C. (“Our new neighbor is hot!”) But if we’d first encountered him the way Michelle did, as a regular guy, under the glow of office lights instead of the spotlight, would he have made our lists at all?

In footage that plays when the networks mention how our cool, young, black president shot hoops with his staff and friends on Election Day, Obama is close to gawky in a simple gray T-shirt tucked in just a bit too tightly. Between plays, you notice tapered pants pulled up a little too high. A slightly skinny build. In those few frames, he’s not the hottest guy on the court, let alone in the country. When he appeared as a presidential candidate on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, my initial swoon as he stepped on stage was short-lived. He playfully hip-bumped the host in an overly bouncy dance routine that embarrassed me into looking away. Suddenly, I was watching my boss get down at the company Christmas party or a friend’s dad grooving to Earth, Wind and Fire at her wedding. Not bad. Endearing, even. But “swagga” did not spring to mind. Sure, Obama is a dad and a boss to many . . . but I get the impression he’s been dancing like that his whole life.

I’ve played matchmaker, unsuccessfully, for scores of black professional women. And I’m convinced that Michelle’s got something on many of us. Not her intelligence or her confidence or sense of style, her glowing skin or the carved silhouette of her arms. I could fill a room with friends who have all these qualities to spare. I’m talking about the choices I imagine she made in those crucial moments between meeting Barack and deciding who he would be to her. She must have focused on an abundance of goodness instead of his hint of goofiness and fixated on a warm smile instead of a pair of oversized ears. It’s easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?

My single friends and I mingle at events dubbed Pandora and Equilibrium, or with long acronyms about political engagement or the black community, where open bars and soul food buffets are the draw but really not the purpose. I will often identify a black man who “someone should be dating” and talk him up to a female friend, colleague or neighbor, offering descriptors like: Funny. Laid-back. Attractive. And more honest ones like: Ambitious. Shy. Soft but not fat.

Just as I picked at the less-than-cool undercurrents of that presidential pickup game and talk-show dance party, my female friends home in on the negative as they snub my suggestions.

His toes were ashy.

He seems like he’d be a really cool friend, but I don’t know, those lips. . .

He was wearing a bubble coat, and seriously, it was not that cold.

We had a good conversation, but I like a man to be more aggressive.

That was our second and last date. He used the word “authentic” like 14 times.

How many times do I have to tell you I’m looking for someone TALL and HOT? Keywords being tall and hot.

He drank a hot chocolate instead of coffee. What is he? A 6’4’’12-year-old? (I’m putting myself out there—this was my own reaction to an otherwise pleasant date just a few years ago.)

In these comments are echoes of my conversations in mini-communities of black professionals—at brunches, bar-passing celebrations and housewarming parties. I think of my years at Harvard Law School, which has 150 black students at any given time. One would have thought that the Black Law Students Association was a group of first cousins; dating among members was so unusual and so scandalous when it did occur. In these “professional” contexts, women are shaking with one hand and tossing men right into the friend zone with another. Across the country and over the years, the take-away often has the same theme: There was not a single guy there I would date.

Yeah, he was tall, but his head seemed a little small for his body.

It was loud in there, so I’m not sure. Did I detect a stutter?

Boy, was he sweating!

He seems like someone who would like Star Trek.

I don’t care if he can’t see. He should have left those glasses at the office.

He was dancing (or worse, trying) way too hard.


To read the full article go here.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

He didn't have a criminal record and was in college and clearly doing things with his life. He wasn't sitting back complaining about Mr. White Man. Any Black Girl would take a Black Guy who is doing things with his life, there aren't many Barack Obama's walking around. I'm sure in college Black Girls who are around Black Guy who have goals in life don't buy pass them. Hint why most GOOD MEN are married, there aren't too many walking around single.

We're not college girls so to hang out or look to date a guy who is "trying" to go places is kind old. When I was in college I wasn't looking for a boy who had it all together, just one who wanted to do something with his life. Again, that was college. As I got older, I was no longer looking for college boys who wanted to do something with their lives, I needed a guy who had accomplished his goals or working hard to do it. If I meet Barack Obama in college, I would have definitely dated him. Who wouldn't? I'm happily married with kids now, so who I would and wouldn't date is no longer crossing my mind because I've meet my "Prince".

Your picture is funny. I 'm guessing this a picture regarding black men before the 90's.

Rashida said...

He didn't have a criminal record and was in college and clearly doing things with his life.

See, this is exactly what black men talk about. You mention black men - they always mention PRISON. Then they have the nerve to deny that they're brainwashed. They also mention college despite the fact that THOUSANDS of men have become successful without degrees.

Any Black Girl would take a Black Guy who is doing things with his life, there aren't many Barack Obama's walking around.

If that is true, why are black women so desperate for any kind of black man? If there aren't many "Baracks" then there must be A LOT of black women looking at loser men. Because A LOT of black women are on the hunt for a black man. Nevermind the fact that you're wrong - there are Barack's out there they just are not interested in women like you.

I'm sure in college Black Girls who are around Black Guy who have goals in life don't buy pass them.

No, they like the men whose goals are the NFL, NBA and Hollywood. So yes, black women like men who have goals - just CERTAIN goals. Go to any college campus and you will see that white, black, latino women all gravitate towards the same men - the ATHLETES.

We're not college girls so to hang out or look to date a guy who is "trying" to go places is kind old.

Yes, if you're a single woman in your 40's you are going to look for something different than a single woman in her 20's. However, a woman in her 20's has way more options. So if you're an older woman you're standards cannot be the same. They just cannot be because the men are not going to check for you at the same rate. Older successful men want younger women, that's just the way it is.

When I was in college I wasn't looking for a boy who had it all together, just one who wanted to do something with his life.

That's how it is supposed to be. You want a prize for that?

As I got older, I was no longer looking for college boys who wanted to do something with their lives, I needed a guy who had accomplished his goals or working hard to do it.

That doesn't make any sense. Most men do not reach success until they are older so if you're dating a man who is under like 35, chances are he is still not "there" yet. So to look for a man who has accomplished his goals means that you are greatly narrowing your pool of men. This is why folks say black women are "picky" because their timeline for "success" forces them to exclude A LOT of men. Those who aren't already single mothers by their twenties.

Your picture is funny. I 'm guessing this a picture regarding black men before the 90's.

If you haven't seen a young black man who looks like the one in that picture then you do not have exposure to enough young black men. That is YOUR problem so stop projecting.

Rashida said...

Rocky,

This article caused a lot of controversy and as usual some black women took up arms and said that it was a slight against them.

I think more attention needs to be paid to the demographics within the 70 percent single group. I think the media likes to just pretend like all these black women are the same and are single for the same reasons (black men passing them over or there not being enough black men to go around).

Professional black women with no children are different from a working class single mother who is different from women who are 50+ and divorced and then there's women who are widows. So all these women come together to form the 70 percent but they all have not had the ability to pick from the same pool of men. I think the overweight working class woman with children would have the smallest pool of "good" men to choose from while a 25 year old attractive law student has probably the largest.

Not every black woman would have had the chance to pass on a Barack Obama. But for white collar black women the article probably makes a lot of sense. I just don't think they make up the largest contingent of single black women in America.

RainaHavock said...

Well I'm in college and let me tell you it's is so great to be around brothers who are doing things. :)

Mr Laurelton Queens said...

I read the article

From my experience in College. Everybody was focusing on graduating. I do believe black women ignore the Barak Obama types and tend to chase the "same guys". Whether it be thugs, players or whatever the case.

After they are past their late 20s their tune changes. I am 30 years old and I have seen this happen. The younger women who are single mothers change their tune too. They are looking for a step father for their illegitimate children.

Highly educated women seem to have it all but they can be very insecure and can come off desperate when you are equally educated as them. I have observed them for years. Insecurity just turns off all men. Black women try to "hide" it but it always comes through eventually.

They say black men are intimidated by smart black women. I don't think that is the case. I just think they tend to be controlling. Instead of loving the black man. They love his "image" to her peers and friends. They are more worried about what their friends think about their man. Instead of just loving each other.

I find professional black women that are more "loose" than a ghetto girl. I can't recall being able to get a ghetto girl in bed without some type of resistance. Ghetto girls "don't" want to be termed "ghetto" so they avoid sleeping with you. The "good girl" fools everyone so she "fucks around". College was the worse if I could write a book on the whoring black women did in college. It would be a best seller. White women do it too. The stigma is always worse on black women. They don't understand that.

Professional black women you can spank them after 3 or 4 dates depending on how aggressive you are. Again, if you are equally educated as them.

I will just make my general statement about black women. I am somewhat controversial. I just tell you the deal with them. I am straightforward and to the point.

Once black women get past their late 20s, if you have enough "game" you can get any of them in bed without a commitment. I am not bragging. I am telling you what it is.

The same black women that dislike me would give me their phone number.

I think that is one of the main problems with black women. They try " to stand their ground" but they always give in.

It doesn't help the other desperate black women bring "down" the good black women.

If you don't have some leverage with men then you are in trouble.

A man can say "fuck it" another woman will be with me. It is a constant "battle" for some black women. They have try harder than other races of women to keep a man interested and at the same time get a quality man.

Since there are few men for black women. That is why you have the infighting, broken friendships and backstabbing. They do it to themselves regardless of the "color" of the man.

I am out

Anonymous said...

"He didn't have a criminal record and was in college and clearly doing things with his life."

I have read statistics that show approximately 1 in 3 young black males is either in jail/prison or is under the supervision of the criminal justice system in some form or fashion. A black felon will never (in almost cases) find a good paying job.

Also, there is the fact that there are 2 black women in college for every 1 black male in colleage. Also, black men murder each other at extraordinary rates.

The above figures cannot be ignored when you are discussing comes to the marriage prospects of single straight black women in their 20s and 30s.

By the way, I am not anonymous 6:48 pm

Anonymous said...

There it goes again - black men in the same sentence with prison.

According to research, the injustice system actually targets black and non-white men more than whites. Even white judges have admitted this!

What about white collar criminals who are mostly white?

Women need to get their act together just as much as the men. Otherwise, it's a double standard.

I've known black women (one dark-skinned and another light-skinned) who married black men. The black men provided shelter, food, and money. One dark-skinned, educated black woman was given a luxury vehicle by his middle class black man; he worked while she shopped.

Menelik Charles said...

Hi Rocky,

I figured out by now that you're an extremily busy brother. So busy, in fact, that there aren't enough hrs in the day to respond on your blog to many of the issues that concern you/us.

If this is, indeed, the problem then I think I may have a partial solution. You know many of the 'debates' you've had over recent years on Aimee's blog and other places. Well, I've been reading them and they are awsome in so many different and peculiar ways lol

Why not have a series of 'A History Great Debates on IR' of the recent past featuring yourself on ir blogs?

They could run over several months and reignite all manner of discussions on this blog.

You (or I) could edit them to weed out irrelevent comments leaving only those that lead to some sort of conclusion pertaining to a 'debate'.

Seriously Bro it would be a real pity to just leave them laying dormant when they do represent a HISTORY which actually gave birth to your blog!

Moreover, they will doubtless spark further debate among our people showing in one manner or another how far we've come since the early years of Evia, Aimee et al.

Let me know what you think, Bro, and maybe we can take matters further.

Peace!

Menelik Charles
London England